I've promised myself to give up negativity for Lent (despite being an atheist, but still..) - but with an impending BIG CHANGE coming this is proving pretty difficult.
At times I get quite excited about all the things I can do in London which aren't possible in Reading - the shopping, the food, the culture etc. But on days like today, the overwhelming levels of change just become paralysing and I find it hard to comprehend what is soon to happen.
A lot of this, i know, stems from being younger. Before you feel sorry for me, don't. I have the same, sad divorced story a lot of others have. In fact, my story is a lot better than others. Both my parents are happily re-married and I now have 2 sets of very stable parents. I never really encountered poverty, and I know it could have been so much worse. But the fact remains that I have grown into a fairly intelligent women who still freaks out at the first sound of a raised voice, and finds it very hard/nigh on impossible to cope with change, far less be the instigator of it.
One of the plus points of growing up is that you get to narrate your story. Your parents don't have to do it for you anymore. So I know that I get to change how this story gets told. I don't mind being the girl that stays in Reading because it's what has been best - but I know that i'm the girl that stays in Reading because i'm scared to do anything else. And I don't want to get to 60 and look back with regret at chances I could have taken.
So the bold steps have been taken, but these little hang-ups from my childhood still haunt me. This is the final apron string - the exorcism of the demons. If I can prove to myself I can make it there, i will know forever that i can make it anywhere (a la Alicia Keys and Jay-Z - those philosophers), and this mentality will help me no end.
It's very frustrating as I fluctuate from adult excitement about the potential - to a feeling, from somewhere deep, that the whole thing is bad, bad, bad.
Another factor which I have been aware of is how my brain will deal with the changes. For the most part, i'm a optimist that believes in karma, second chances, and one love. I guess i'm a bit of a hippy. :) But I do have my moments. We all do, and that's part of making us human. The last really dark time I had was over 2 years ago, following a break-up. Prior to that I had had a couple of 'episodes.' So I figure it's just part of my ebb and flow. But I do know it gets worse at times of big change or stress. I know it's fairly normal - but it is quite scary to feel like you are a slave to your own mind.
I don't tend to be very rational. I believe things will never get better, and that i've brought them onto myself. Eventually I weather it and it passes. But this could take anything from a week to over six months. No promises. I'm hoping that by being aware of it, and blogging, and being gentle on myself, I will have prepared myself well enough.
"You can't stop the waves from coming, but you can choose which one to surf." - Anon.
I'd best start waxing down the board! :)
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